Watching the Grass Grow

Unlike many of the "great houses" Castle Nib was never a hotbed of gambling. Card games, for the most part, were dedicated to pinochle, pitch, various forms of rummy and canasta. Poker, when it was played, was played during Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's Day. The forms of poker played were the old American standard such as five card draw, seven card stud and the occasional freak game like five card no peep (or as sometimes called. five card no peek). The younger set were forced by boredom to engage in these games and we early learned to play poker. None of us was bitten by the gambling bug, but that may be because our elders showed no mercy and were no loath to take our allowances as winnings. You faithful correspondent early learned that he would much rather give a dollar to get a thing instead of give a dollar and hope for a return. Stuff was real. A hope was useful as a puff of smoke.

Having since married many years ago and having established the homestead of Bloody Nib Manor, I've rarely played poker. I like playing cards, but poker is not a game I enjoy and it's a game the attraction of which I've never understood. The only attraction I could see was the money involved. David Parlett, in his book The History of Card Games summed it up well. Poker is a game that is not played with cards. It is game played with money. The cards, at the showdown, only determine who gets the money. In other words, if poker was a true card game then a player holding a pair of twos would always lose to a player holding three treys. But, as we all know, the bluff and reading of the other players is the real game. To be short, poker is a bullshitters' game. We here at Bloody Nib Manor haven't much patience for those who sling the bovine feces, and have pretty much ignored the development of poker.

So imagine my surprise when I turned on the television one day and saw a Texas (properly pronounced Takes Us) Hold 'um tourney being televised. For a few minutes I sat in a daze wondering why anyone would watch such an inane game. Texas Hold 'um is to draw poker what tic tac toe is to nine men's morris. The whole strategy of the game is to make the other players believe that the two cards in one's hand are better than theirs by the amount one bets. It is the money that makes the game. Without the money the game is less than interesting. But, because of the money, the game has become the latest fad, and teenagers and their fathers have found common ground in the garage by lying to one another other a flop. It would be amusing if it weren't so sad. And by sad I mean the trumping of dishonesty over skill.

I could, if given the resources, make Liar's Dice, bigger than Texas Hold 'um. Liar's Dice is a bar game, usually played for drinks, that relies on the lying ability of the players. If the prize were, say five thousand dollars per throw instead of a glass of Pabst, there would be much more interest in the game than there is. Hell, given enough prize money Yahtzee could become the next big thing. There is more skill and mental evaluation in Yahtzee than there is in Texas Hold 'um. And Yahtzee, for all it's simplicity, is a game that demands more predictive ability than does Texas Hold 'um. Yahtzee, because it is a game of perfect information, i.e.. each player's hand is open to the others, it is a more open and honest game than is Texas Hold 'um.

Consider the great card games; Bridge, Whist, Euchre, Piquet, Pinochle, Pitch and Cribbage. Each of those games, while interesting in themselves, were and are often played for money. But the winning and losing of money is a reflection of one's ability to properly play cards, not lie about the value of one's hand. Piquet, probably the most interesting and most neglected card game, is close to chess in its play. But without big money involved it is an exercise for eggheads. With big money it would be a fad.

So that's where we've come. The value and interest in a game as a spectator's sport depends on the cash. The money means everything. The game means nothing. Put away your checkers and chess boards. Burn your Go and Monopoly sets. Put the backgammon in the back of the closet. Just pull out your deck of cards, stack of bills and prepare to watch the grass grow and be lied to.